Poor Alix Mortimer. She’s relocated to the ‘Nu Lab’, otherwise known as Manchester – the Government’s Laboratory for all all things politically.. er… Lavatory.
This time it’s a trial of ID cards. She covers the subject – and her reaction – here. Meanwhile, I’m thinking… how on earth do you sell someone an ID card?
Snappy Snaps Guy: Hello Madam. Can I interest you in an ID Card?
Me: What is it?
Snappy Snaps Guy: It’s a piece of plastic with your name and picture on it, and the details are stored on the Database.
Me: Okay. What does it do?
Snappy Snaps Guy: Well you can show it to people and it will tell them your name.
Me: Can’t I just, you know, tell them my name?
Snappy Snaps Guy: Ah well this is proof that your name is your name, and proof that your face looks like your face.
Me: I didn’t know my name and face was in doubt.
Snappy Snaps Guy: Oh, yes, very doubtful. If you can’t prove who you are how do you even know you really exist?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Snappy Snaps Guy: Sorry, I’m only part-time here. I’m a philosopher by trade really.
Me: Ah. Right. Well, no, I don’t think I need an ID card. Not having one isn’t causing me to have an existentialist crisis quite yet.
Snappy Snaps Guy: But wait! There’s more! If you get a film developed, we’ll do you an ID card for a special early adopter’s rate of £30!
Me: Well, only £30? Why didn’t you say so!! So, wait, how do I prove to you that I am who I say I am in order to be able to get one of these proofs of identity then?
Snappy Snaps Guy: Well that’s easy, we just need proof of ID.
Me: So it’s already possible for me to prove my identity?
Snappy Snaps Guy: Technically yes, but it’s just not as cool as being on a big Government Database is it? Plus ID cards come with a 6th month ‘no existentialist crisis’ guarantee, where if you’re not 100% satisified with your ID card we will immediately reprint you a new card, no questions asked. Just remember though, once you have your ID card you’re required by Law to pop into your local Snappy Snaps branch to update any changes to your details. If you have a face transplant or change address.
Me: And that’s a free service is it?
Snappy Snaps Guy: Well no that’s going to be £25.
Me: And if I refuse? I mean, these cards are voluntary, surely it’s ‘voluntary’ to keep the details up to date?
Snappy Snaps Guy: No, if you fail to keep the details up to date someone from Boots will kick you to death in front of your children.
Me: I don’t have any children.
Snappy Snaps Guy: Oh, wait, let me just make a note of that. What’s your name again, by the way?
Me: Er… I’m not telling you.
Snappy Snaps Guy: But how am I supposed to issue you with an ID card if you won’t tell me your name?
Me: A very good question. And if I tell you my name but you’re not around to hear it, will you still be able to charge me £30?
Ecetera, Ecetera. Cut to car chase and police helicopters, and me saving a Nuclear Powerplant from meltdown and a family of puppies (a very mean and vicious family of puppies).
Stu said...
7 May 09 at 9:48 am
Love it. I’d buy an ID card in order to have a firm grasp of my own existence.
Although I’m not sure where that leaves people with Multiple Personality Disorder…
Aaron Murin-Heath said...
7 May 09 at 10:12 am
Where do I sign up?
One of the things on my list of “things to do before I die” is to be followed by black helicopters. Seems like a great place to start.
Stephen Glenn said...
7 May 09 at 11:12 am
Charlotter I think that surely the only way to do this is to check for those of the Jedi faith from the 2001 census and employ them in the sales team.
Snappy Sales Jedi: Hello.
Me: Hey there. Nice cloak. What do you want?
Snappy Sale Jedi: These are the ID Cards you are looking for.
Me: These are the ID Cards I am looking for.
Snappy Sales Jedi: You’ll be happy to give you biometric data to the Empire’s database. This is too good an offer to miss.
Me: I’d be happy to give my data to the Empire’s database. How do I prove who I am?
Snapy Sales Jedi: Don’t worry I have determined that using the force.
Me: Cheers. Oh surely this is too good an offer to be given out for nothing. Surely I owe you some money.
Snapy Sales Jedi: That will be £30 on the early adoption scheme.
Me: Here take £180 I’m sure it will be worth every penny to have my indentity raped from me, store, lost, and used against me for no apparent reason at some point of indeterminant time in the future.
Niklas Smith said...
7 May 09 at 12:31 pm
Ah, but Stephen, remember Obi-Wan Kenobi was on the Good Side!
Stephen Glenn said...
7 May 09 at 12:41 pm
If I recall Anakin’s powers did not leave him when he turned to the Dark Side though.
Oranjepan said...
7 May 09 at 12:53 pm
I’ve actually been chased by a helicopter gunship across a mountainous border.
It gets quite exciting when it emerges a hundred yards away, hovers there and spins to point the rocket launchers in your direction.
Then, when you realise you can see the pilot is gesticulating in your direction but can’t work out what they mean it takes on a slightly different complexion.
Obviously looking like Rambo doesn’t help matters.
Andy said...
7 May 09 at 2:16 pm
What an absolute bargain!
I’ll be dashing out to get one as soon as they become available. What clever people these policicians are!
AJS said...
7 May 09 at 7:48 pm
I will never, ever sign up to the identity card scheme, and I am fully prepared to go to prison for my beliefs.
Frankly, I can’t see much difference between potentially having to show my identity documents on demand at any time, and actually being in prison.
Bill Quango MP said...
7 May 09 at 9:17 pm
What if the card has expired? How can it no longer be valid? Its still going to be you isn’t it? You won’t have suddenly grown 7 inches or changed your birth year 10 years are you? Why would it expire at all?
Shaun Pilkington said...
7 May 09 at 10:10 pm
But the finalised sales pitch is a clincher:
“Buy an ID Card from the us for £60 or go to prison”
Y’know. Like Tax. Or the TV License. Or Council Tax. Or any other Tax. Welcome to the Tax on being alive in Britain!
Charlotte Gore said...
7 May 09 at 10:45 pm
You mean they’ve figured out a way of taxing breathing? NEVER!