Inspired by Alan Johnson’s very, very bold statement that no-one, absolutely no-one, would be better at being PM than Gordon Brown, I made a top 10 list of ‘better’ prime ministers. Now for an altogether more difficult challenge – ten worse Prime Ministers. Sorry it took weeks.
#10: George Lucas
The only person on earth surrounded by more Yes Men than Gordon Brown. Entirely oblivious to the sheer scale of humanitarian abuse his work constitutes, he makes Brown look ‘in touch’ with ‘the people’.
#9: Vladamir Putin
Seemingly Brown’s role model. Our ex-communist Prime Minister is but a pale shadow of this ex-communist President. Makes Brown look positively cuddly.
#8: Jar Jar Binks
Now, Brown may well be the worst public speaker imaginable, but in terms of a contrived performance that’s desperately trying to win over the crowd, whilst actually making them prefer to scrape their nails against blackboards until their nails come off completely? You need Jar Jar Binks for a job like that.
#7: Tom Cruise
After that outburst on Oprah, this apologist for Scientology and all-round fruit loop would, I hate to admit, be worse than Brown.
#6: The French
This is not to have a go at the French, specifically – I’m pointing out that you couldn’t get The French into Number 10, that Cabinet Meetings would take years, and we’d be ruled by a country that views us as the very model of how not to things. You win this time Gordon.
#5: Hazel Blears
It’s a measure of just now much this woman’s face and voice make my toes curl that I would rather have Brown in Number 10 than Hazel Blears. I feel dirty, but I’d be smashing far too many televisions otherwise.
#4: The Ebola Virus
Having the Ebola Virus for a Prime Minister would be worse than having Gordon Brown for Prime Minister. As far as we know, Brown does not cause haemorrhagic fever. There’s also the simple fact that slightly less people would be willing to share a room with Ebola than are willing to share a room with Brown. You win again, Gordon.
#3: The Pope
We’ve already had one Prime Minister that believed he was acting out the will of God. Having someone who considers himself to be God’s emissary on earth – and therefore infallible – would be very similar to having Brown as Prime Minister, but Brown doesn’t share an army of Catholics that also believes he’s infallible. It’s only Brown that thinks Brown is infalliable.
#2:Osama bin Laden
For much the same reason as the Pope, and just so that people don’t think I’m picking on the Catholics. (Although I’m reliably informed that comparing the Pope with a mass murdering terrorist isn’t actually very pro-Catholic either. Whoops.)
#1: Bono
See, for number one I had three choices. Hitler? Nick Griffin? Britney Spears? I mean, all of those would clearly be less-desirable Prime Ministers than Brown, so technically they should have made the list… but there’s someone worse than those three. A man so odious South Park dedicated an entire episode to calling a turd. Bono. Oh how I hate you, Bono! You just know he’d build a 200-foot statue of himself in Trafalgar Square. I just know it.
(Thank you to John Kellett for outstanding pedantry. Sir, I salute you.)
