Poor Michael Martin. Unloved, unwanted and acting as a big fleshy roadblock to reform of the House of Commons. The search is on for a new speaker, one who will bring Order and Dignity to this unruly bunch. It’s time get get tough. It’s time for discipline. It’s time to show these politicians who’s boss (that’s us, by the way).
It’s time for the Top 10 Replacement Speakers list!
#10: Emperor Palpatine
He turns up in all these lists. Worst this. Best that. He’s a man who gets things done, and can shoot lightning from his hands. Not many MPs would be willing to backchat a man who can shoot lightning from his hands.
#9: Landlady From “Kung Fu Hustle”
If you’ve not seen this rather bizarre film, this might seem like an odd choice, but this Landlady is the business. She has a zero tolerance approach to any messing around whatsoever, and can literally beat the snot out of anyone she chooses. Her ‘special fighting technique’ is the lion’s roar – a shout so loud it can blow down walls. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
#8: “Get In The Back Of The Van!!!” Guy from Withnail and I
One line, delivered with an unexpected ferocity that still, to this day, surprises and alarms. Known for taking a very hard line against miscreants and ne’re-do-wells, Get In The Back Of The Van guy could be a surprise contender.
#7: The Freak
I’m showing my age now, but The Freak (otherwise known as Joan Ferguson), a ruthless warden from the series Prisoner Cell Block H would make an ideal Speaker for the house. Disobey the speaker, you find yourself in solitary with your rations taken away. Fits in with ‘MPs are criminals’ meme… might actually be a bit too harsh on them. Crikey!
#6: Brian Blessed
Brian Blessed. Of course. It’s so obvious really, isn’t it? Incredible volume, has the ability to both charm – and deafen – all comers. I support Brian as Speaker so much I joined the Facebook group.
#5: Hypno-Toad
Hypnotoad features extensively in the animated TV series, Futurama. As his name suggests, Hypnotoad has the rare ability to bring everyone who views his eyes under his hypnotic thrall, and uses this power to bring everyone under his command. Just the ticket.
#4: Death (AKA The Grim Reaper)
What better way to permanently remind MPs of their obligations to the public than placing someone guaranteed to put them in mind of their own mortality on a daily basis as Speaker. Stand up in PMQs to ask a softball question? I think not, somehow. A chilling, spine shattering ‘Order Order’ from Death would be enough to keep MPs silent and respectful even through confessions of bedwetting from the Prime Minister.
#3: Santa
You’re probably spotting a theme by now. These choices are all about ruling MPs with the sort of tyranny and terror normally dished out by parents on their children as Christmas approaches – you’d better be good, little Timmy, or no presents for you! Which made me think: Who better to judge who’s Naughty and who’s Nice than the world’s leading authority on said subject? I mean, in all seriousness, who’s going to lie to Santa? Who’s going to try pulling a fast one? Who’d want to disappoint the great bearded one?
#2: Pat Butcher
As an elitist middle class political type with no concept of the real world, I don’t watch Coronation Enders or whatever you commoners call it, but I’ve heard that Pat Butcher is what the Irish like to call ‘a weapon’ and may be the sort of down to earth authority that the House needs.
#1:Ming Campbell
Go on, I’ll finish with a sensible suggestion, although I demand that if he takes the chair he pays for his own cushions. If you’re after someone with a commitment to reform, he’s the guy. ‘Nuff said.
Let’s memeify this: I tag Martin (haha!) and Stuart Sharpe!!
