Poor Michael Martin. Unloved, unwanted and acting as a big fleshy roadblock to reform of the House of Commons. The search is on for a new speaker, one who will bring Order and Dignity to this unruly bunch. It’s time get get tough. It’s time for discipline. It’s time to show these politicians who’s boss (that’s us, by the way).
It’s time for the Top 10 Replacement Speakers list!
#10: Emperor Palpatine
He turns up in all these lists. Worst this. Best that. He’s a man who gets things done, and can shoot lightning from his hands. Not many MPs would be willing to backchat a man who can shoot lightning from his hands.
#9: Landlady From “Kung Fu Hustle”
If you’ve not seen this rather bizarre film, this might seem like an odd choice, but this Landlady is the business. She has a zero tolerance approach to any messing around whatsoever, and can literally beat the snot out of anyone she chooses. Her ‘special fighting technique’ is the lion’s roar – a shout so loud it can blow down walls. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
#8: “Get In The Back Of The Van!!!” Guy from Withnail and I
One line, delivered with an unexpected ferocity that still, to this day, surprises and alarms. Known for taking a very hard line against miscreants and ne’re-do-wells, Get In The Back Of The Van guy could be a surprise contender.
#7: The Freak
I’m showing my age now, but The Freak (otherwise known as Joan Ferguson), a ruthless warden from the series Prisoner Cell Block H would make an ideal Speaker for the house. Disobey the speaker, you find yourself in solitary with your rations taken away. Fits in with ‘MPs are criminals’ meme… might actually be a bit too harsh on them. Crikey!
#6: Brian Blessed
Brian Blessed. Of course. It’s so obvious really, isn’t it? Incredible volume, has the ability to both charm – and deafen – all comers. I support Brian as Speaker so much I joined the Facebook group.
#5: Hypno-Toad
Hypnotoad features extensively in the animated TV series, Futurama. As his name suggests, Hypnotoad has the rare ability to bring everyone who views his eyes under his hypnotic thrall, and uses this power to bring everyone under his command. Just the ticket.
#4: Death (AKA The Grim Reaper)
What better way to permanently remind MPs of their obligations to the public than placing someone guaranteed to put them in mind of their own mortality on a daily basis as Speaker. Stand up in PMQs to ask a softball question? I think not, somehow. A chilling, spine shattering ‘Order Order’ from Death would be enough to keep MPs silent and respectful even through confessions of bedwetting from the Prime Minister.
#3: Santa
You’re probably spotting a theme by now. These choices are all about ruling MPs with the sort of tyranny and terror normally dished out by parents on their children as Christmas approaches – you’d better be good, little Timmy, or no presents for you! Which made me think: Who better to judge who’s Naughty and who’s Nice than the world’s leading authority on said subject? I mean, in all seriousness, who’s going to lie to Santa? Who’s going to try pulling a fast one? Who’d want to disappoint the great bearded one?
#2: Pat Butcher
As an elitist middle class political type with no concept of the real world, I don’t watch Coronation Enders or whatever you commoners call it, but I’ve heard that Pat Butcher is what the Irish like to call ‘a weapon’ and may be the sort of down to earth authority that the House needs.
#1:Ming Campbell
Go on, I’ll finish with a sensible suggestion, although I demand that if he takes the chair he pays for his own cushions. If you’re after someone with a commitment to reform, he’s the guy. ‘Nuff said.
Let’s memeify this: I tag Martin (haha!) and Stuart Sharpe!!
Leon said...
19 May 09 at 7:42 pm
Brian Blessed ftw!
Charlotte Gore said...
19 May 09 at 7:43 pm
Yeah I’d be amazed if anyone else won this particular vote
Leon said...
19 May 09 at 7:46 pm
I dunno I reckon Death (as interpreted by Terry Pratchett) by a close second…
Mark Reckons said...
19 May 09 at 8:21 pm
The Freak would be fantastic as Speaker. As soon as you did something she didn’t like, all she would have to do is start putting on those black gloves and the errant MP would fall straight back in line!
From time to time I have toyed with the idea of getting this but realistically, where am I going to get the time to watch 692 episodes!? And if I didn’t watch them all then what’s the point?
measured said...
19 May 09 at 8:30 pm
You have shown a commendable openness of mind.
Constantly Furious said...
19 May 09 at 8:44 pm
“I assure you I’m not officer, I’ve only had a few ales”
GITBOTV guy gets my vote..
Alex Wilcock said...
19 May 09 at 9:16 pm
I fear the cushions have not given Ming a soft landing. And I just don’t think they should go for a ‘grandee’.
Brian Blessed would be fab, but I have a sneaking partiality for Emperor Palpatine. Much of the best of Ming with added lightning bolts, but particularly today’s the fourth anniversary (adjusted for being a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) of his ascension to the throne. Go Palpatine, I say.
Constantly Furious said...
19 May 09 at 9:47 pm
Never mind all that; you’ve got another list to do – you’re tagged. Just did one of the endless “Eight things I Hate” memes at Eight things I hate.
Got to thinkin’ that it might be a laugh to pass the meme to some Lib-Dems. After all, you never get angry about anything, right there in the middle ‘n’ all. It’d be fun to see Lib-Dems do some hatin’.
BeingMeSince1964 said...
19 May 09 at 9:50 pm
Why do they need another speaker? Haven’t they claimed for enough electrical goods already?
Nick said...
19 May 09 at 10:25 pm
I’d have gone for Davros at #10 rather than Palpatine. He has the same shooting lightning ability but couples it with a much more compelling voice – imagine him shrieking ‘Order! Order!’ at the top of his range, as compared to Palpatine’s whispered murmur – and the ability to sit for long periods of time.
Plus, he’d likely have the Black (Rod) Dalek exterminate Hazel Blears on sight, just to avoid any trouble from the redhead this time.
jd said...
20 May 09 at 1:47 am
Just a sec, you’ve nominated the same person twice, at #4 and #1!
Charlie Kennedy would be fun, just to see how long it took for the Speakers Chair to acquire a drinks cabinet, but my own choice – following a line not entirely off from your #6 but with added unpredictability and madness – would be The Doctor himself…. Lord Tom Baker.
Let’s face it, anyone but Bercow.
Anonymous said...
20 May 09 at 7:36 pm
#10: Emperor Palpatine
turns up in all these lists. Worst this. Best that.
How about Cthulhu?
Stu said...
20 May 09 at 8:11 pm
Damn you, Charlotte.
That is all.
Cogload said...
20 May 09 at 9:34 pm
The Shopkeeper from Mr Benn.
Constantly Furious said...
20 May 09 at 9:37 pm
Lion-O. Thundercats Ho!
Stu said...
21 May 09 at 7:14 pm
Done.