I thought I’d repost this thing from my old blog I wrote last time Labour MPs decided they wanted to get rid of Brown.

Turned out they were stopped, quite easily, by the simple fact that the NEC will not issue nomination papers for a new leader while the Party is in Government. Literally, they said that they’d never issued nomination papers during their time in Government, and therefore that was the precedent that must be follow.

[INT: In The corridors of Westminster Palace. Smell of cigarettes and gourmet food fills the air. MPs are rolling around on carpets made from £50 notes, laughing]

MP:
Ah, Hail Comrade! How goes the democratic Socialist cause today, Brother?

Whip:
Democratic What?! (beat) Oh! I see. Ah, well, ‘it’ is fine… er.. Comrade.

MP:
Hey, listen, I was wondering…

Whip:
Oh?

MP:
Yes. A little matter, really, but now that we’re democratic socialists, I was hoping, you know, perhaps to see if we can.. er… elect a new leader, Comrade?

Whip:
Hmm. I’m afraid that’s quite impossible.. er.. Brother.

MP:
But.. we are a democratic party are we not? We do have democratic rights, don’t we?

Whip:
Of course, Comrade. Democracy is at the heart of everything we do. But you can’t have a leadership election without getting 70 fellow Comrade MPs to fill in nomination forms. No, I’m afraid to say, it’s quite impossible.

MP:
Oh, I see. Well.. could I have some nomination forms then?

Whip:
Comrade! Comrade, come here (puts hands on shoulder) We’re in Government. And for 11 years we’ve not issued nomination papers, right?

MP:
Well.. yes.. but..

Whip:
Well this not issuing nomination papers while we’re in Government is… well, it’s sort of tradition now, yes?

MP:
Yes.. but..

Whip:
Well, you see, we couldn’t possibly issue nomination papers without breaking that very important tradition. No, it’s quite impossible.

MP:
Comrade! We’ve never needed nomination papers before though! The Great Leader – the Lord’s Blessings Be Upon Him – is unpopular with the proletariat and the bourgeois! They may remove us from office and restore the Enemy to power, Brother! We must act.

Whip:
Hmm. The Great Leader – the Lord’s Blessing’s Be Upon Him – is getting on with the business of running the country, as you well know Comrade. But either way. It is not up to me. If it is nomination papers you seek, then it is with the NEC you must consult. Go, Comrade. And may The Great Leader forgive your transgressions.

[INT: Labour's NEC HQ - Red flags adorn the walls. The NEC members are adorned with robes, being served grapes and wine by ex-miners dressed in thongs and bow-ties. One approaches]

Head Slave:
Brother, you have been permitted several seconds in which to state your case: Speak!

MP:
Comrades! I seek nomination papers, so that we may exercise our Democratic rights under….

NEC Executive #1:
Your time is up Comrade. (sighs heavily) Brother, you know we have not issued Nomination Papers while in Government? And you know that to issue Nomination Papers now, when we have not done so before, would be very upsetting for the Great Leader?

MP:
Yes but….

NEC Executive #1:
Well, you wouldn’t want to upset the Great Leader?

MP:
No but….

NEC Executive #1:
Well then. We shall continue the great tradition of Not Issuing Nomination Papers! All Hail The Great Leader Comrades! Hail!

(weary hails)

MP:
Fine. If that’s the way we want it Comrades. At least I’ll get to say my piece at the conference! You’ll see! The brother’s and sisters of the Labour Party won’t stand for this, you hear me?

(The NEC executives look at each other, quizzically)

NEC Executive #2:
Comrade, in order to speak at Conference you need a speaking permit. Do you have a speaking permit?

MP:
Er… um… no?

Head Slave:
Oh dear. (shakes head)

MP:
Can I have a speaking permit?

NEC Executive #1:
Only the Great Leader – May The Lord’s Blessing’s Be Upon Him – an authorise a Speaking Permit at conference! You know that, Comrade! How could Our Beloved Democratic Socialism work without Order and rules and confidence that the Comrades speaking are not polluted with False Consciousness? You’re not suffering from False Consciousness, are you, Comrade?

MP:
Me? What? Er… What?? No!!

(MP flees)