So, enjoying my holiday I’ve been on a bit of a film watching bender, having crammed in more films in the last 3 days than I thought humanly possible. The housemate’s off on a literal mercy mission so I’ve got the Sky HD box and the Playstation 3 to myself. Oh happy days.

I’ve decided to experiment with doing film reviews. Of course, with this being a politics blog you’ll expect me to run things through some sort of ideological filter – and that’s exactly what you’re going to get.

First up:

The Film: The Day the Earth Stood Still

The Gist: Intergalactic Eco-Communists claim dibs on the Earth

Who’s in it: Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates

Who made it: IMDB is your geeky friend

So, I was suckered into renting this film thanks to nostalgic love for both Keanu and Jennifer. Sure, Keanu’s never been able to act but then I’ve never really been able to resist watching any film that he’s in at least once… in fairness, often only once.

It’s your standard alien arrives on earth, humans act like complete dicks, alien goes on killing spree sort of movie, but it’s got a twist. You see, the alien’s (played by Keanu) killing spree is motivated by his desire to save the earth.

You know… save the Earth from us.

Apparently there’s only so many planets in the universe capable of supporting life, so the fact that humans are ‘destroying’ it (it doesn’t say explicitly how we’re destroying it) is a big problem for those other aliens out in the universe that want a crack at living here at some point in the future. Oh, and the other things living on this planet too.

“What are you doing on our planet?” says Kathy Bates, playing a dick politician.

“Your planet?” says Keanu, doing his best impression of a human being but still coming across as an animatronic.

“Yes, Earth” replies Kathy.

“It’s not yours” says Keanu. Oo, you’re thinking. Profound, isn’t it?

And that’s really about it. Much running around is done, lots of pleading and begging to save the human race until a wonderful compromise is achieved after the alien discovers – and I’m wretching just writing this – that human beings are capable of love and beauty, not just destruction and death. After this moving appeal to the alien’s emotions, humanity is given a reprieve and sent, rather instantly, back to the stone age – you know, the good old days when life expectancy was about 30 and virtually everyone on earth was a peasant doing subsistence farming just to stay alive. Boy, those were the days.

In other words, humanity’s ability to progress technologically to the point where they could go to other planets is permanently crippled by aliens who’ve already reached that level of ability – they won, so they get to set the rules. Thanks guys.

Of course, transpose ‘Earth’ to ‘China’ and ‘Aliens’ to ‘The West’ and you’ve got essentially a very scary horror film for our industrialising friends.

Verdict:

Watch it if you’re a Genocidal Green. You’re going to love it. Humans get pwned!