Right, first, install CCTV in every single home, office and street in the UK.

How would you monitor all these CCTV feeds though? How could you be sure the children are safe?

Here’s where the plan is genius:  What we need is to vet everyone, and mark those who pass the test – wholesome lifestyle, no unusual sexual practices, no ‘dodgy mates’, no history of once, twenty years ago, puffing on a joint, no smoking, no over-eating, never been fired from a job, never been arrested or cautioned for anything – as “Trusted Workers.”

“Trusted Workers” will be entitled to a license to leave their homes without a permit. The permit system will be handed by Capita through a web interface – put in your request, state your reason for needing to leave the house, put your estimated time of leaving and returning and voila, your ID database entry is updated automatically! Only 50p a go, too!

In addition to this marvelous benefit, “Trusted Workers” will be entitled to a free choice of job, as it will be illegal to employ anyone who does not have “Trusted Worker” status. Everyone else? Well, these are the people who’ll monitor all the CCTV, and they’ll do it from their own homes, see? And because they’re second class citizens with a bitter hatred for “Trusted Workers”, they’ll be especially fastidious in their duties, reporting even the most minor indiscretion – swearing around children, for example, would be the sort of very foolish thing to lose your “Trusted Worker” status for.

I really can’t see the problem with this plan. It creates full employment and a beautiful utopian paradise where everyone is safe and secure forever.