So Mr Sharpe feeds me this on twitter:

“A Libertarian, A Totalitarian and an Irishman go into a bar…”

Here’s what I came up with. Feel free to do better (not hard).

“The Irishman says, ‘are you lads up for a bit of the old drinking competition?’ The Libertarian says, “Yeah, okay – just let me finish my spliff.”

The Totalitarian looks disgusted. “Right,” he says. “First of all, if that’s really cannabis you’re smoking there it’s illegal and you’re going to make me go schizophrenic because of passive smoking it. No thank you. I demand you put it out at once.”

The Libertarian rolls his eyes, then puts out the spliff in the palm of his hand, before blowing his nose on a £50 note.

“Second,” says the Totalitarian, “you’re both going to go over your recommended weekly allowance for alcohol units if you have a drinking competition, so I absolutely insist that we use Non-Alcohol drinks.”

“Get fucked, you stupid yoke!” says the Irishman. “Who’d you think ye are? A fuckin’ priest?”

“You do understand the point of drinking competitions, don’t you, Totalitarian?” asks the libertarian, while juggling three solved Rubik’s cubes and checking stocks and shares on his Blackberry.

“I believe simply finding out who can hold the most fluid in their stomachs is a much safer and fun activity, don’t you?” says the Totalitarian.

Just then a policeman appears. “What’s going on here?” he asks.

“Ah, well he’s smoking drugs, but I told him to stop it, and they were going to do some anti-social binge drinking, but luckily I put a stop to that too” says the Totalitarian, beaming with pride.

“No,” says the copper. “I mean, what are you lot doing in here? This pub shut down 6 months ago.”

Sigh.