So Mr Sharpe feeds me this on twitter:
“A Libertarian, A Totalitarian and an Irishman go into a bar…”
Here’s what I came up with. Feel free to do better (not hard).
“The Irishman says, ‘are you lads up for a bit of the old drinking competition?’ The Libertarian says, “Yeah, okay – just let me finish my spliff.”
The Totalitarian looks disgusted. “Right,” he says. “First of all, if that’s really cannabis you’re smoking there it’s illegal and you’re going to make me go schizophrenic because of passive smoking it. No thank you. I demand you put it out at once.”
The Libertarian rolls his eyes, then puts out the spliff in the palm of his hand, before blowing his nose on a £50 note.
“Second,” says the Totalitarian, “you’re both going to go over your recommended weekly allowance for alcohol units if you have a drinking competition, so I absolutely insist that we use Non-Alcohol drinks.”
“Get fucked, you stupid yoke!” says the Irishman. “Who’d you think ye are? A fuckin’ priest?”
“You do understand the point of drinking competitions, don’t you, Totalitarian?” asks the libertarian, while juggling three solved Rubik’s cubes and checking stocks and shares on his Blackberry.
“I believe simply finding out who can hold the most fluid in their stomachs is a much safer and fun activity, don’t you?” says the Totalitarian.
Just then a policeman appears. “What’s going on here?” he asks.
“Ah, well he’s smoking drugs, but I told him to stop it, and they were going to do some anti-social binge drinking, but luckily I put a stop to that too” says the Totalitarian, beaming with pride.
“No,” says the copper. “I mean, what are you lot doing in here? This pub shut down 6 months ago.”
Sigh.
Secret admirer said...
30 Oct 09 at 2:17 am
Charlotte Gore rocks my world.
Jennie said...
30 Oct 09 at 2:18 am
Why are they all boys? Surely at least the Libertarian is a girl?
Charlotte Gore said...
30 Oct 09 at 2:21 am
Cos
Charlotte Gore said...
30 Oct 09 at 2:23 am
I did have Delores Umbridge in mind for the Totalitarian, but I figured that would have been worse.
Charlotte Gore said...
30 Oct 09 at 2:27 am
I could have made the libertarian a girl, but then that would have been like me saying, “I’m REALLY AWESOME” which, considering I’m sat on the blogger’s equivalent of the naughty corner for lack of blogging this last month would have been inappropriate, and tradition dictates that the role of the Irishman is to be played by an Irish man.
If it helps they’re all actually girls dressed as boys in the TV version of the sketch?
Oranjepan said...
30 Oct 09 at 3:22 am
A libertarian, a totalitarian and an Irishman get happily drunk and are about to share a taxi home together when the barman calls them back. He picks up the gun which was found at their table, “and who’s is this?” he asks.
I’m thinking up some answers… I may get back to you.
Roger Thornhill said...
30 Oct 09 at 8:29 am
Irishman, Libertarian and Totalitarian go into a bar
Irishman asks “what will you have?”
Libertarian replies “thanks, a pint, but let me buy you one next round”
Totalitarian says “No, you must both drink what I am drinking and you two have to pay for it”
Libertarian says “Sod off, you fascist”
Irishman says “What is it you drink now?”
Not funny, I know.
Irishman and Libertarian are forced into a bar the Totalitarian wants, must only talk on subjects the Totalitarian wants to talk about, only drink drinks approved by T(r)otalitarian, no smoking NOT EVEN OUTSIDE. Thus, the Irishman and the Libertarian take the Totalitarian, string him up from a lamp-post by piano wire and, when he has stopped his Spandau Ballet, find a pub of their own and spend the rest of the night having a few beers and talking freely about whatever they chose.
For Totalitarian you could say “Any Major UK Party” and then when LibDems squeal, say, ok, LibDems are not a major party AYE THANG KYOR!
p.s. I am 1/8th Irish so I have a get out of (Irish) racism card on me at all times.
Niklas Smith said...
30 Oct 09 at 8:55 am
Go Gore! I will try to think of one myself but I don’t hold out much hope….
Charlotte Gore said...
30 Oct 09 at 10:05 am
That, “What is it you drink now?” bit had me laughing. Better than my Deus Ex Machina punchline anyway
Andy said...
30 Oct 09 at 10:27 am
Sounds like a scene from the Young Ones…
Dick Puddlecote said...
30 Oct 09 at 11:37 am
Remind me … what, exactly, is a ‘pub’?
Charlotte Gore said...
30 Oct 09 at 11:39 am
Something that died out around the same time as “englishman, irishman and a scotsman” jokes I think.
sconzey said...
30 Oct 09 at 6:49 pm
This thread made me lol.
@Orenjepan: I don’t think you need a punchline, it plays neatly off the stereotypes of all three.
A Scot not from Kirkcaldy, Cowdenbeath or Edinburgh South West said...
31 Oct 09 at 12:15 am
A Libertarian, with a Totalitarian in tow, goes into a pub. They encounter a Scotsman who promptly drinks the Totalitarian under the table, where he dies. The Libertarian says to the Scotsman “OK, Mac, I’ll be off and sniff out the next of the bastards for you to deal with.”
(in an ideal world, he would start with 10 and 11 Downing Street first)
Charlotte Gore said...
31 Oct 09 at 2:24 pm
Awesome
IvanS said...
1 Nov 09 at 12:23 am
A libertarian an Irishman and a totalitarian go into a pub… Isn’t this like “Fight Club” ? Aren’t they actually all the same person ?
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