Angela Epstein. You’ve never heard of her, but she’s made history as Britain’s first owner of a ID card.
But wait! There’s more!
She’s a journalist, you see. She got to the front of this “queue” after being personally invited to do so by the Government, and in return for this good fortune all she had to do was write a puff piece about it in the Manchester Evening News about how thrilled, proud and happy the whole experience made her.
Forget all this nonsense about politics, civil liberties and all that. No, ID cards, it turns out, induce almost orgasmic levels of pleasure:
I’M so proud I could almost burst I haven’t felt this good about cradling something small and pink since my daughter Sophie was born.
*Squeeee!!* WHERE DO I SIGN?! Oh, and could I possibly leave out..
I won’t rehash all the arguments in favour of ID cards – that they are a small, convenient and portable way to prove identity [Ed. That counts as rehashing]. Nor will I try and convince opponents that they are not an infringement of English civil liberties. Everyone is entitled to their view.
Hear that? We’re entitled to our view. Lovely. Thank you.
After this I was taken to a curtained booth to have biometric particulars taken down: not as saucy as it sounds but simply my photo, prints and electronically recorded signature.
Saucy! Yes, having your biometric particulars measured is like being pampered in a salon, or luxuriating in a hot bath whilst eating Flakes. Get away from the day to day stresses of the world and have those lovely people at the Identity office look after you.
As I’ve said before I understand why people have their reservations, but I personally can’t see what there is to lose if you’re a law abiding citizen with nothing to hide. And if it’s another weapon in the fight against identity fraud, illegal workers and terrorism, then that can only be for the good.
Well, Ms Epstein, you stand to lose your privacy. But hey, what’s privacy? Not as awesome as a piece of plastic with your name on it or having all your personal data on a giant computer database that far, far, far too many people have access to, and run by people with a track record for losing and leaking data. No, it’s not as awesome as those things. Privacy? Pah! Fuck it, who needs it? Perverts! Ne’re do wells! Terrorists! Immigrants! Pah!
But I genuinely felt proud and excited when I was finally handed my card. I loved seeing my name, face and the words British citizen on this tiny piece of plastic. That’s who I am, and why shouldn’t anyone know?
You loved it? You loved seeing your name and your face on a piece of card? You loved it? Really? This season’s must have accessory, ID Cards! Oo, it makes you feel all tingly! And why shouldn’t anyone know? Ah yes, we’ve established that ‘privacy’ was so last season.
And when I had a shmooze with home office minister Meg Hillier on Monday she wouldn’t say whether I’d get my 30 quid back if [the Tories scrapped the scheme]
And suddenly it all makes sense. Schmoozing with Government ministers one day, writing a ‘ID Cards are nearly as good as having babies’ piece the next.
If Angela Epstein’s name is to be remembered, it may well be as the world’s most gullible and most buyable journalist ever. Now, can I get my ID card in purple, please? I want it to match these shoes…
/ht @Benjaminglass via Twitter
Scott said...
4 Dec 09 at 12:51 pm
Charlotte, you shouldn’t joke about it – The way the government’s going, they’ll do them in an array of colours as it will cost even more money for what essentially will be a failed (hopefully next year) system!
Charlotte Gore said...
4 Dec 09 at 1:01 pm
Very true. Expect a range of ‘fashion’ ID cards in a range of colours and shapes – and for the young and daring who want the minimalist approach, you can have your ID card number tattooed onto your body – nothing quite as exciting as showing the small of your back to a police officer who asks for your card *wink*
burkesworks said...
4 Dec 09 at 1:18 pm
One wonders whether Ms Epstein would have still shared her enthusiasm to be stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed and numbered had she continued to hold down a job at the Daily Mail – which, give it its due, has consistently opposed ID cards in its editorial policy – rather than work for the very Labour-friendly MEN.
Good to see you in t’ pub last night btw!
Constantly Furious said...
4 Dec 09 at 1:31 pm
How did you do it? How did you manage to resist using the phrase ‘The silly fucking bitch’? God knows I couldn’t have.
Thom said...
4 Dec 09 at 1:38 pm
Um ok – will I be able to decline having an ID card?
“um eventally, no.”
So…it is an infringement on my liberties then?
“um, yes.”
Ok…more importantly does it come in sky blue?
Tristan said...
4 Dec 09 at 2:14 pm
We may be entitled to our opinion (facts of course have nothing to do with anything – opinion is everything these days) but we will not have the right to refuse to get an ID card, or to leave the country without being on the database.
Or to get a job… or go to a football match… or live a normal life.
Never mind though, we’ll all be happy in our state worship and jingoism.
And today /everybody/ has something to hide. We’re all guilty of some unwitting crime under the massive panoply of poorly worded laws.
William Satire said...
4 Dec 09 at 3:24 pm
When I was a kid, a long time ago, there were a lot of war films regularly on the three TV channels.
“Let me see your papers!” was a classic line always attributed to the nasty freedom robbing German soldiers. I’m skating dangerously close to Godwin’s Law here. But all I’m saying is, that line was associated with the baddies – you never heard John Wayne saying it.
BenSix said...
4 Dec 09 at 4:01 pm
This is a joke, surely? COuld the reference to “cradling something small and pink” be a sly suggestion that ID Card fans are wankers?
guy herbert said...
4 Dec 09 at 5:03 pm
They do in fact offer them in a range of colours. (Though “offer” is not the right word, since the IPS is not keen on you having a choice.)
… Pinkish and yellowish. The yellowish one is reserved for resident EAA citizens and “certain British citizens” – see:
http://idsmart.direct.gov.uk/about-the-card.html#types-of-card
I have yet to discover who the “certain British citizens” who get a yellow ID card are.
Furious said...
4 Dec 09 at 8:05 pm
I’ve been on the MEN site but it doesn’t seem to list the silly bitches email address. I would love to give her a piece of my mind. She should be ashamed of herself and no one should call her a journalist she is just a labour mouthpiece.
A Scot not from Kirkcaldy, Cowdenbeath or Edinburgh South West said... said...
4 Dec 09 at 8:54 pm
That surname, and she still signed up for a state issued ID card? Idiot.
Libertarian #567 said...
4 Dec 09 at 9:44 pm
Now, can I get my ID card in purple, please?
I advise you to wait until Apple UK bring out their biometric-chipped iPhone just before next spring’s election. The ID-i can store up to 16Gb of self-surveillance and will have real-time access to bank details, medical records and current sexual preference via Facebook applications. Users will be entitled to Preferred status when interacting with public services, and can rise to Citizen level if they record and upload enough sensitive information about themselves or acquaintances.
The owner of the ID-i will be able to
- use it make payments (with discounted VAT!)
- book doctor’s appointments for when they want!
- receive targetted Info-Kisses from approved advertisers and businesses telling them what to want, and where and how to get it.
- earn real money for recording the immoral behaviour, criminal conspiracy or political opinion of OTHER people! With loyalty bonuses for repeat uploaders, the ID-i will actually pay for itself
The ID-i comes in Black, Diamanté, or Violaceous.
Rene said...
4 Dec 09 at 10:25 pm
Great effort to put them altogether.
Tim Carpenter LPUK said...
4 Dec 09 at 11:26 pm
The big test of ID is to propose a private ID facility. All the advantages of an ID but without the state monopoly and their arrogant belief that they own our details.
Watch how the state will reject any pluralty. Their real motives will become clear. We are to be harvested for data, sold, sifted, fished and if we do not behave, they can hobble us by limiting what “our”* ID can access or do, even things we take for granted.
If I am so concerned about something being stolen, why would I want it taken by force? My ID is no different.
* by now you should realise that each of our IDs will have been taken, no, stolen, and held hostage.
Oranjepan said...
5 Dec 09 at 2:27 am
I’m looking forward to purchasing a copy of the fetish register. You never know when it’ll be to your advantage to keep all your multi-coloured felt-tip pens out of plain sight.
Southie said...
5 Dec 09 at 6:26 pm
My ID is either going to be a toe-tag or a think-tank.
Southie
Technomist said...
6 Dec 09 at 10:08 pm
Theer are criminals all over the country wetting their lips at the prospect of ID cards. At last, a document they can get their hands on that no-one will cross reference to see what they are up to as they loot their way through life.
Southie said...
6 Dec 09 at 10:55 pm
Get me one with Kim Philby on it, the CPGB card indexes went out the door of a flat in Mayfair,
same with a lot of your trade union records. Being a Brit is like being on parole. You even need to have a license for your TV sets!
You are livin like commies.
Southie
Leon Greenwell said...
10 Dec 09 at 1:03 am
Somebody awas womrred about the BMP
Panzer Sex
I can’t get enough! Lord Charotte, I adore you!
Leon Greenwell said...
10 Dec 09 at 1:06 am
T34
It is a great Tank!!!!
TS4