I’m still bleeding from when I chewed off my big toe yesterday. The chewing incident happened after spending too long trying to fight the impulse not to read Labour’s manifesto when, it seems, my big toe intervened violently.

Anyway, Tory manifesto today… decided not to risk further injury and merely skimmed it. Unlike Labour’s manifesto it’s full of pictures, diagrams, case studies and other fun little highlights to give a pleasingly friendly, caring and progressive impression. No idea if the substance matches. I’ve given up trying to work out what the Tories stand for, which is grossly unfair of me, I know that. Here’s my chance to find out and I’m far too lazy to read 27,000 words that may or may not form a large or small part of what they might or might not do if they become Government without having to telephone a very, very, very smug Nick Clegg.

In a nice touch, immigration policy isn’t listed in the same chapter as Crime – it’s listed under a section about the need for high tech skills. That practically makes them the soft cuddly party, by comparison. There’s even a section about Civil Liberties, which is +1 point for them for even daring to raise the issue.

“Join our Government” is the cry. Yes, you know, I’d be all for it if you hadn’t abstained on the Digital Economy Bill. 20,000 people tried to ‘join in with Government’ and you bitch slapped them. Actions speak louder than 136 pages of words, yo.

The front cover sadly displays no hilarious Soviet imagery. Rather, it looks very minimalist and designed to look like a hardback book. Awww, boring.

Still, the problem with all these manifestos is that they’re too long, mostly hot air and serve no useful function other than an excuse to have another press conference.