Okay so, I’ve started a PR business and my first client  has come to me complaining about an image problem. He’s the leader of a political party, and he’s sent me this photo:

Suggestions? Recommendations?

Okay so, I’m twisted, I’d definitely vote for a politician who looked like that (Satan, if you recall, distributed the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge to Adam and Eve which God was very angry about. Apologies for playing literal Devil’s Advocate here, but I can’t say I wouldn’t have done exactly the same thing in the Garden of Eden myself. Sorry.) but, you know, I’m a bit weird like that.

No sooner had I written a piece about the demand for uncensored,  uncompromised political writing I discovered “The Devil” (not Satan) had hit the reboot switch on the Devil’s Kitchen blog after his interview on the Daily Politics caused reality and blogging to collide…. and that’s never pretty. Faced with a choice between defending and continuing with his very graphic and profane output over the last few years and his job (and, not forgetting, the reputation of the party he leads) … he chose his job and party.

The Kitchen was a much bigger blog than this one, and I’m certain the reincarnation as the Devil’s Knife will be the same… but this turn of events is both good news and bad, positive and disturbing.

Disturbing because it points to a seemingly inevitable trend of the constraints of the ‘real world’ beginning to intrude on the somewhat fantastic world of the Internet and its colourful pseudonyms and online personas. Presumably he feels rather like someone trading in their convertible two-seater sports car for a nice, sensible family saloon. A lot of other people have called this ‘growing up’ … and I suspect those of us who’ve been for joy rides in the car and enjoyed the wild parties will feel like this is the end of an era… but we all have to grow up eventually, even if we’re dragged kicking and screaming.

So this brings me from the bad to the good. Swear blogging is something that, in my opinion, alienates and limits as much as it helps. It reinforces an idea of libertarianism as reckless hedonism, as something violent and destructive – in other words, something for everyone else to be a bit scared of. Fewer people will link to such blogs, others won’t even touch them.

But the truth is the opposite of this. The whole point of libertarianism is acting in your self interest, and the belief that when people do that there’s a better result overall. Turns out Devil’s Kitchen, as it was, wasn’t in the Devil’s self interest and the result is, presumably, something that’s a lot better for him personally , his employer and possibly for the party he represents. It’s certainly better for Polly Toynbee, that’s for sure – but we can’t have everything I’m afraid.

The message is this: Libertarianism isn’t doing whatever you want, consequences be damned. Even when entirely unconstrained by censorship or regulation, people do the right thing anyway. It doesn’t let Wiggy off the hook, of course – he’s still absolutely 100% part of the problem of robotic, over-rehearsed politicians that appear to have had their personalities surgically removed and evidence of past indiscretions whitewashed.

The philosophy of libertarianism isn’t just for angry blokes, and I for one look forward to seeing if this new Devil can prove it.

Bear with me on this. If you’re reading this blog it means you’re either someone who knows me personally and suffers my output on the off chance I ask the hated, “Hey, did you see that post I wrote about…” question.

The other kind of person is actually pretty special, and it’s you I want to write about as a vaguely long-winded way of arriving at the following conclusion: Andrew Neil is a dinosaur.

Dick Puddlecote says I’m wrong about that, that Andrew Neil is the cutting edge. Needless to say this cannot stand… oh yes, it’s an ARGUMENT! Woo! I’m already starting to get high on the buzz of an new argument – that beautiful first few moments where ideas and arguments explode, then the joy and satisfaction as the dross is whittled away, then what remains is organised, tested then sculpted into some sort of pleasing arrangement of words, then finally subjecting those words to the scrutiny of wiser, cleverer, less excitable minds.

See, I’m hopelessly hooked on this. But then what are you, you who finds yourself reading this? Just what brought you to a stage in your life where you amuse yourself by reading non-linear, unending pamphlets by online nutters?

Okay so, look: The good news is you’re not alone. There’s bloody loads of you, although you’re a very, very special niche of the overall ‘loads’ that read the collected work of online political nuttery. Good for you! But together, whether we’re awesome libertarians, not quite so awesome but still vaguely okay liberals and conservatives we’re a sort of gang, you see.

There’s only a handful of bloggers, but, and I say this again, there’s bloody loads of you. Hundreds of thousands of you, and you’re all getting your politics uncensored, unregulated and written by real human beings.

This gang of ours is a whole new emerging subculture… we’re the “People Who Are Into Politics.” We spontaneously emerged without anyone actually noticing.

So are we going to the BBC and their Daily Politics Show and their This Week and their Question Time to discover the latest in the ongoing battle between Labour and the Tories?

Nope: the BBC’s political output is aimed at people who aren’t interested in politics, and in apologising for itself and trying to make itself understandable it becomes even more tedious until eventually the only people left watching are.. well… us… and we’re tearing our hair out at the sheer cringingly artificial awfulness of it.

At least I am.

Which, I think, is why Andrew Neil is a dinosaur. You young hip kids have discovered rock and roll while the BBC has a strict ‘jazz only’ policy, and the God  of embarrassed, apologetic, patronising, dumbed down, sanitised, simplified to the point of cretinism political television is Andrew “I’m a flipping Dinosaur” Neil.

It’s just no-one’s noticed yet, that’s all. Like no-one’s really noticed how you and the rest of the gang would actually be terrifyingly powerful if anyone could figure out a way of brainwashing you into going out knocking on doors and delivering leaflets and telling all your friends about this site or this book they MUST read, you know?

Lucky for us all, I say. I hate delivering leaflets. Sure I’m into politics but, strewth, there’s limits.

I haven’t had chance to write up the Lib Dem manifesto, but the good news is that it’s the shortest of the three (only 56 pages) and the prettiest of the three, too. Lib Dem design has improved massively over the last election, even if they’ve not quite updated their language to go with it. I’ve written so often and so frequently about the pointlessness and meaningless of the word ‘fair’ that to see the Lib Dems making it that Number One Issue would be utterly soul destroying… you know, if I was still a member.

But anyway, I thought I’d do Wordle mashups of the Tory and Lib Dem manifestos like what I done gone and did with the Labour one. It serves as a useful exercise in what’s going through the heads of the people who write the damn things.

Somewhat unsurprisingly (considering this happened the last time I wordled a Lib Dem manifesto, LIBERAL!!! comes out top, featuring both as the name of the party and as the explanation for why they follow specific policies. It’s a shame that, like ‘fair’, Liberal is another one of those meaningless hurrah words whose beauty depends entirely on the beholder. Nice to see ‘people’ getting such a pride of place, but like Labour’s manifesto, the favourite topic is pretty clear.

So, ‘people’ makes it three for three – but it’s overwhelmingly the Tory’s favourite word… followed curiously by ‘new’ and ‘government’ which probably shouldn’t be a surprise. Notable absence? ‘Britain!’ Presumably this means that instead of writing, “Britain needs a High Tech Economy based on the Green Industry of the Future” they’ve written “Our people need a High Tech Economy based on the Green Industry of the Future, and the only way they’re going to get that is if they vote for a new government.”

Apologies to the handful of readers who have stuck with this blog through my hideous writers block (with co-morbid seasonal affective disorder) only to have me come back writing about such trivial things instead of getting to the nitty gritty. In my defence… hmmm you know? I have no defence. It’s a fair cop, guvner.

UPDATE: I actually did manage to read a manifesto in full. Yep, the UKIP one. Only 16 pages, which was thrillingly terse and designed for the busy executive blogger on the go. Might have something to say about it. Possibly. It’s a strange mix of demanding the removal of the shackles on the British Government so the British Government can put more shackles on stuff it currently can’t, along with some actually really great policies I could support, with some old school social conservatism which I couldn’t. It is, however, refreshingly weird if a little disquietingly obsessed with immigrants.

Back in the olden days when I used to be a Lib Dem, I found myself attending their Autumn conference. It’s true. Had great fun, if I’m honest, but the highlight came when I was surprised (or is that taken aback?) to see the BBC’s Andrew Neil and his strangely coarse hair and curiously humped gait. I immediately offered my friend £20 to ‘steal his wig’ but the challenge wasn’t accepted.

Was only later that I suddenly connected the coarse, densely matted hair with his more popular nickname: Brillo. It makes perfect sense.

Of course, Lib Dems have a special loathing for Andrew Neil – Despite having 60,000 members and taking 25% of the vote at the last general election, Wiggy (or Brillo) regards the party (and, by extension everyone who voted for them) as beneath contempt and not worth discussing. You can argue the merits of the Lib Dem Party but the idea that British Politics is nothing more than a tribal battle between Conservatives and Labour, that nothing else matters, that nothing else is worth our time discussing?

That’s what I thought. Pretty shoddy, if you ask me. Diversity everywhere, except in politics it seems. Nothing winds up Lib Dems more than seeing Diane Abbott and Michael Portillo sitting on a sofa together every week representing ‘balance’ and a full spectrum of political opinion.

So if this is how the third largest party fares at the hands of Andrew Neil, how do you suppose a tiny  little party with only 450 members gets on? That’s right… they get torn to shreds. I have a lot of respect and time for Chris Mounsey, the Libertarian Party’s leader. He’s also a very sweary blogger, and it seems Brillo has been waiting for a long, long time to give him a bit of an on-air bollocking.

If we’re ever going to get a ‘different kind of politics’ in this country, perhaps one suggestion is for the BBC to recognise that believing the only axis that matters is Labour Versus Conservative is, itself, a political opinion. It’s a form a bias and one that is suffocatingly self-reinforcing. It’s a hard enough job to make people realise that there’s nothing special about Labour, nothing special about the Conservatives as it is – they’re just people with no great gift for governance and certainly no monopoly on ideas or being right.

So why do we behave as if they do? And why do we pay money to have this bullshit spoon fed to us by witless hacks like Neil?

But then, to break through the glass ceiling that’s over every other party in the UK it needs people to realise that politics isn’t something to be spoon fed through the television or by newspapers. It’s a living, breathing thing that comes from real people and what they need and want from this life.

The Libertarian Party may only have 450 members. They may have a lot of very sweary bloggers in their ranks… but it’s a spontaneously occurring political party that’s come from normal people realising they have a lot in common with each other and absolutely bugger all in common with what passes for the “State Approved Choices.” It’s not been created by some rich old bastard trying to wind up the Tories. It’s not a front group for some trade union wankers. It’s not just a bunch of splitters from some other party. In short I think it deserved better than being dismissed with “You’ve only got 450 members? Stop wasting my time!” There’s actually an interesting story about the internet and what role it might play in the politics of the future here, but I guess you have to understand that first. Wiggy doesn’t.

So it’s not the Libertarians he’s insulting. He’s insulting everyone who dares have an opinion that doesn’t fit into neat ‘red or blue.’ He’s insulting anyone who dares imagine that they’re allowed to participate in politics outside of the prescribed paths (you know… pretty much the majority of people). Thanks Wiggy, but no thanks. You’re a dinosaur and your days are pretty much numbered.

Well, I can hope anyway.

I’m still bleeding from when I chewed off my big toe yesterday. The chewing incident happened after spending too long trying to fight the impulse not to read Labour’s manifesto when, it seems, my big toe intervened violently.

Anyway, Tory manifesto today… decided not to risk further injury and merely skimmed it. Unlike Labour’s manifesto it’s full of pictures, diagrams, case studies and other fun little highlights to give a pleasingly friendly, caring and progressive impression. No idea if the substance matches. I’ve given up trying to work out what the Tories stand for, which is grossly unfair of me, I know that. Here’s my chance to find out and I’m far too lazy to read 27,000 words that may or may not form a large or small part of what they might or might not do if they become Government without having to telephone a very, very, very smug Nick Clegg.

In a nice touch, immigration policy isn’t listed in the same chapter as Crime – it’s listed under a section about the need for high tech skills. That practically makes them the soft cuddly party, by comparison. There’s even a section about Civil Liberties, which is +1 point for them for even daring to raise the issue.

“Join our Government” is the cry. Yes, you know, I’d be all for it if you hadn’t abstained on the Digital Economy Bill. 20,000 people tried to ‘join in with Government’ and you bitch slapped them. Actions speak louder than 136 pages of words, yo.

The front cover sadly displays no hilarious Soviet imagery. Rather, it looks very minimalist and designed to look like a hardback book. Awww, boring.

Still, the problem with all these manifestos is that they’re too long, mostly hot air and serve no useful function other than an excuse to have another press conference.