I’m going to ‘live blog’ reading this manifesto, picking out the juicy bits.

Picking out juicy bits will mean that some things are a bit out of context but I’ll do what I can to be fair and live up to the idea of a ‘future fair for all’. That includes Labour too, bless them.

Thanks to Tory Rascal for the image… hopefully a Labour rascal can provide a similar spoof when the Tories unveil theirs.

But, first things first, here’s something interesting:

We will end for good the concept of a life on benefit by offering all those unemployed for more than two years work they must accept (page  5)

Wow. That’s… bold. Are they literally promising here to remove benefits from people who refuse to take work and have them made homeless and starving? And… do I approve?! This here is a genuinely surprising policy announcement. First, where are the jobs going to come from and what are they going to do? Second who’s paying for it (wait, don’t answer that)?

More to come

Update 1: It occurs to me I only wrote over the weekend how I wasn’t going to be bothered writing about Labour, and here I am. Hmm… people on Twitter pointing out that “Crime and Immigration” as a chapter heading might, perhaps, be blowing a bit of a dog whistle. YOU THINK? In the interest of not going mad, and treating the manifesto with the respect it deserves I’m off to get a bit of sun.

Update 2: Back from being in the sun, and a useful mind clearing exercise that was too. Return to reading the manifesto? Hmm. So let’s see.. is it legally enforceable if they win? No. Does it say anything new we haven’t heard before? Not really. Will any actual real voter read this? No, no they won’t. Should I continue reading it? No. No, that would be absolutely stupid.

The big words from Labour’s Manifesto? People! New! Manifesto! Labour! Support!

Truly I’m inspired. It starts with a beautiful image of a peasant family toiling in the fields taking a break to allow the vision of the Sun of Socialism to illuminate their poor, working class lives. Gone is the slick design of manifesto’s past – say hello to simplicity and crap hand drawn shit. This is the manifesto of a true people’s party, like the Holy Grail is actually the crappy wooden one at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

I’m going to steel myself and read this masterpiece and report back later.

A quick note to state what I hope is obvious: Writing about Brown and Labour seems like a bit of a waste of time now and so I’m not really going to be bothered doing it.

If they win the election or end up in a coalition with the Liberal Democrats then, sure, they’ll be worth writing about again… but for now? Seriously, who cares what the hell Labour says or does during this campaign? Even using Government databases to help target election leaflets at cancer patients doesn’t surprise me – the first rule of campaigning is always Win First, deal with the consequences later.

Inevitably a change of Government will see a bit of a realignment of the whole political blogosphere (amongst other probably more important things that might happen). Libertarian bloggers, especially, are going to be unleashing hell on the Tories in much the same way they’ve been unleashing hell on Labour. The left wing blogosphere will no doubt be energised and renewed by having a fantasy Labour Party to campaign on behalf of instead of the reality… it’s a whole new dawn for them and I’m sure they’re looking forward to it enormously.

What’ll become of the Tory blogosphere? Can’t wait to find out.

So if I’m suddenly being a lot tougher on the Tories it’s simply because what they do and say suddenly matters a lot more now, and it would be profoundly wrong and stupid of me to give them the benefit of the doubt that I refused to give Labour. I’m sure, given the choice of ‘Being in Government and getting snarked at by Charlotte Gore’ versus ‘Being in opposition and Brown getting snarked at by Charlotte Gore’ they’d prefer the former. I’m not quite that formidable and important just yet.

Much hot air has been expended ridiculing, complaining about and generally scrutinising the Tory plan to give a tax break to some married couples.

I’m not, I repeat, NOT going to rehash those arguments. Simply put, it’s a waste of time. The policy serves one purpose, and that is to say, “WE LIKE MARRIAGE” and, you know… that’s it.

The tax break is paid for (taken on face value) a levy on bankers. That’s like saying, “WE DON’T LIKE BANKERS”.

See how it works?

Of course assuming this ever makes it into legislation, it will mean yet more complexity being added to the tax system, more administration costs and so on, which will mean the Conservatives need to take more from the bankers than they’ll redistribute to some married couples.

I do find this rather demoralising, if I’m honest, because what Cameron’s really saying here is “WE LIKE WASTING MONEY MAKING STUPID POLITICAL GESTURES” … and isn’t that exactly the sort of thing we want a change of Government to get away from?

I know Cameron takes pride in not being libertarian, but isn’t it alarming that he’s playing the ‘redistributing to people like like from people we don’t’ game before he’s even become Prime Minister?

There was shock and outrage today as Labour sent leaflets to organ transplant patients warning the Tories plan to scrap the hugely popular Organ Confiscation Scheme. The scheme, which gives the NHS the legal power to immediately confiscate any matching organ from the population of HM Prisons has saved thousands of lives of decent, honest people since it was introduced in 2005.

But recipients of the leaflet were said to be horrified that the Labour Party had used Government databases to identify and target them with political propaganda. “I’m horrified” said Amanda Jones, via Twitter. “How does the Labour Party know I’ve had a heart donated by a Council Tax evader? It’s an invasion of my privacy and human rights, isn’t it?”

The Tories were quick to condemn the abuse of data protection and added, “The NHS is our top priority and it’s important to stress just how much we really really hate criminals and really really love the NHS. That’s why we intend to give a tax break to people who use the NHS, paid for by a tax on criminals.”

Labour, meanwhile, said, “It’s important that people who need a transplant and people who’ve had a transplant understand that the Tories would rather they died a horrible, painful death or spend 20 years on dialysis machines. That’s how absolutely evil the Tories are. They’re soft on criminals, soft on the causes of criminals and against the needs of honest, decent, normal people.”

In related news, the Green party expressed concern about the incineration of criminal’s bodies, suggesting that in order to reduce CO2 emissions the bodies should be buried in unmarked mass graves. The Liberal Democrats said, “Obviously we need to have a debate about the Organ Confiscation Scheme, but the real issue here is that the privacy of the patients has been utterly abused.”

Report ends.