Chief Dick

So the Public Sector Unions don’t like public sector cuts (As reported by the Department of Things That Are Completely Unsurprising) and are going to attempt to co-ordinate strike action for maximum infliction of pain, because two things in this world are true: People will blame the Government for not giving in, and the Government will give in.

Governments, you see, just can’t stand it when Unions throw tantrums and won’t stop spitting, biting and crying. It’s bad for opinion polls. It’s not that people feel sorry for the kid that’s crying, because they don’t. People just want the noise to stop and don’t really care how the parent does it… and the easy way to make Unions go away and shut up is simply to give in. Pay them.

That’s what it’s really all about. Unions want X and they need the public to cough up the dosh to pay for it, so they make them suffer until the people “democratically” beg the Government to let the Unions have what they want.

See, in Crazy Land, taxpayers – especially evil businesses – are essentially a resource of infinite money and every problem can be solved by encouraging people to be less selfish and pay more tax (or the Government can borrow the money and the people can pay more tax later, when everyone will be richer as a result of the extra public sector employees and extra public spending! Woo!). There’s no such thing as ‘there’s no more money’.

There’s always more money.

Consider the reality behind these mysterious and seemingly all-powerful organisations. Unions… they look after their members, so they can’t be that bad can they? Can they? But the truth is they’re a business just like any other, and the product they sell is vague promises of more holiday, more pay, more security, bigger, comfier chairs and perhaps a playstation in the staff room… and all this can yours for the tiny sum of £10 a month. People actually pay it, too.

It’s a wonderful wheeze, when you think about it. Do you want a better job with better conditions by training and winning that better job in the face of competition from others (which, lets face it, sounds like bloody hard work) or do you want to pay £10 a month to an organisation which will magically take care of everything for you without you having to lift a finger? Yep, Unions actually sound pretty cool if you think about it. Like playing the Lottery, or joining a political party.. it’s one of those things where people don’t realise they’re flushing money down the toilet for the most part.

David Cameron, for all the attempts by lefties at demonisation, is not Margaret Thatcher. He doesn’t have the stomach or the courage for a protracted, bitter campaign of terror by the Unions and they know it. This Government looks vulnerable to pressure. It looks soft.

If only people could remember that the Government represents “The People”, while Trade Unions only represent their members. They’re after your money, and they’re going to use your Government to get it. Lots of people are going to try to persuade you of the benefits of giving in, how somehow you paying more tax or the country getting into more debt is a magical win-win for everyone. I don’t blame them.., people think they can get a better job by paying £10 a month to angry socialists in cushy London offices AND we live in a country with a unicorn on its coat of arms!

I mean, people will pretty much believe and accept anything, won’t they?

Pity Ed Balls. In this poignant and touching video, we see a much more vulnerable, special needs sort of Ed, away from the bruising anti-immigrant thug he often comes across as.

It’s such a relief to have this contest produce something interesting to write about though. So far there’s been something hopelessly naff and dull about the whole thing. I tried to watch Sky News’ Labour Leadership Debate which was helpfully waiting for me on Sky Anytime, but half way through I found myself deep in sleep.

Still, I saw half. Go me!

From what I have seen it’s obvious the gloss of New Labour’s early days is long gone. What’s left is a pale imitation of that slick election winning machine. There’s no real new ideas, no new faces, no new soundbites. It’s just the same old thing regurgitated ad nauseum with varying degrees of success at looking sincere and/or inspiring… but no matter what happens David Miliband is going to win because he’s the least challenging, the least upsetting, the least human and therefore the least awful.

No-one likes a politician with personality because that makes them unpredictable and therefore dangerous.

Cometh the hour, cometh the cyberprick. Fully programmable with nearly 5 different charismatic poses and trained by the same public speaking gurus that taught Tony Blair! Comes complete with army of pollsters and public opinion analysts in order to bleep-bloop-bleep his way into Number 10 lickidy-split!

Naturally everyone outside the Labour party is going to have to try very hard to be polite when they unveil their mechanised leader. “You want to make this guy the boss of us, do you?” we’ll ask and, all doe eyed and full of optimism and hope they’ll nod and grin and sigh and gasp. “Join us”, they’ll cry. “The Age Of Change is here!”

I know, cos I’ve been there. I’ve been that evangelical ding fawning over a robot, wondering why no-one else could see what I saw, thinking that they were being metaphorical with the ‘He’s a bloody robot!’ complaints. I apologise.

Anyway, back to the very special drumming. The role of a drummer is to keep the rhythm for a band, to bring everything together whilst remaining invisible. It’s leading, yes, but in a very sneaky, no-one-really-notices-you-exist-at-all sort of way. Unless you’re rubbish obviously, at which point everyone notices – and wants to kill you.

So, pretty ironic then, really? Yes, I think so. Ed Balls doesn’t stand a chance. An excess of personality has done for him, just as it’s done for Diane Abbott, the beautiful eyelash one and the slightly pudgy gormless looking one that’s apparently the second favourite, although in fairness he’s got the second least amount of visible personality. Sooo close to success in such an unthreatening, easy field… but not close enough.

We’re not even talking a lot of personality here, just a tiny trace of individuality, subtle variance away from the original Tony Blair model. This is the party of the collective, not the individual, the many not the few. Who else could win the hearts of Labourites more than someone with no individual personality of their own?

Sigh.

If Conservatives are afraid of David Miliband, I suspect it’s not so much his leadership they’re concerned about… it’s that he might electrocute someone when it rains.