Yes, something fantastically exciting is happening today. Something that’s going to make birds sing, turn the sky blue and turn your ‘play Slade one more time mother f**ker. I dare you. I f**king double dare you. Play Slade one more god-dammed time’ blues into the ‘OMG I like SOOO love Xmas music!’ happy happy joy joys.

Yes, I’m talking about the Pre Budget Report. It’s today…. WHAM! Yeah, you’re happy now, right? You’re smiling now!

Spread the word. Spread the love. Pre-Budget Reporting is coming, and I’m assured that Alistair Darling has been making a list, checking it twice and finding out who’s naughty and nice.

I have every expectation that this time I’m going to be in the ‘nice’ category. Oh yes.

It’s one thing to accept, intellectually, that Labour is capable of winning itself a fourth term. It’s quite another to worry that they might.

Which brings me to today. For the first time I had that same sorry sinking feeling I had when it became obvious that Bush might secure himself a second term.

It’s about imagining the television coverage of the election as the seats come in and the BBC saying, “Well, if Labour are going to win then this seat is exactly the sort of seat they need to hold onto isn’t it?” and the reporter on location says, “Indeed. There’s going to be some smiling faces in Millbank tonight. This seat was crucial for them, and… yes… the Tories are looking very glum here, John.”

In 2004 you had the macho man-with-a-plan Bush junior versus the effete well-its-complicated-really Kerry. Despite the strength of feeling against Bush, the Democratic Party found itself unable to ‘leverage’ it – Kerry was a profoundly charmless character. He was an empty vessel on which to hang anti-Bush sentiment. It’s hard to believe there was a doubt about how that election would turn out – hindsight is a wonderful and terrible thing.

No two elections are alike, of course, and American politics cannot be compared with British politics in any serious way – but I’m starting to wonder just how many people want Cameron? Is there a chance that he could be the Kerry of British Politics – utterly failing to capitalise on an utterly hated incumbent?

My preference for a Tory Government over a 4th Labour terms is a reluctant one – but it’s inspired by the idea that if Labour are rewarded for all they’ve done with another term, they’ll have no hesitation in giving us more of the same – and, in fact, be emboldened to go further.

It’s the little things, of course – the attempts to subvert the Data Protection act, the attempts to rig in the internet in favour of the movie studios, the 90 days detention… but most people don’t give a toss about any of that.

Then there’s the economy – an enormous enlargement of the public sector and regulation on the private sector at the same time as a huge enlargement of debt. No-one seems able to explain convincingly why Britain will avoid the same fate as Japan – who, having hit zero percent interest rates engaged in massive public works with borrowed money… and then spend the next decade without growth because of the burden of that debt.

But most people don’t give a toss about that either. They just want to see the bankers spanked.

And that’s the people who care, obviously, the ones who care enough to have gone looking for answers to the question, “what’s wrong with this country?” – and often fallen foul of theatrical misdirection, showmanship and propaganda. The problem is Global Warming! The problem is dirty businessmen! It’s all the fault of immigrants! Hey man, look at the shiny. See the shiny thing? Look at the shiny thing. Look at it. You want the shiny thing, don’t you? Follow the shiny… follow it… that’s right, follow the shiny…. and you didn’t notice I just stole your watch, did you? No? Wonderful.

And the Tories? Well their answer to the problem, “what’s wrong with this country?” is to point over the benches at Labour. Labour is the problem.

Technically it’s probably true – but guys… seriously? It’s not good enough. It’s like saying ‘the management’ is what’s wrong with a company. Sure, it might be true, but not helpful in figuring out what needs to be done.

The closer to a General Election we get without any serious or interesting policies from the Tories, the more Brown’s accusations that Cameron is a vapid, empty shell begins to stick. They’ve been saying it for years now and, I think, people are starting to believe it. Some will believe anything if you say it often enough. Hell, maybe Brown really is just getting on with the job?

Away from the exciting and interesting world of online Grassroots Tory activism there’s a party facing the public that seems to be determined to feel like having dinner round Nana’s place. Tory Totty and Cameron Cuties ain’t going to win you an election. Not this election.

Right, being the one-man think tank that he is, Rod Liddle has decided to troll the internet with a nasty piece of insinuation about the ‘human filth’ that is young afro-Caribbean men living in London.

Behold and tremble as Brain-trust speaks:

The overwhelming majority of street crime, knife crime, gun crime, robbery and crimes of sexual violence in London is carried out by young men from the African-Caribbean community. Of course, in return, we have rap music, goat curry and a far more vibrant and diverse understanding of cultures which were once alien to us. For which, many thanks.

Let me count the ways.

First Rod, okay, crime is not a ‘white’ issue, it’s a ‘human’ issue, okay? Inner City slums are always crime hotspots whoever happens to be living in them at the time, which means that people who live there are also most likely to be victims of crime. It’s a ‘living in a shit hole dominated by unemployment, under-education and deprivation’ issue, not a race issue.

Second, your main assertion about the crime rates – that the ‘overwhelming majority’ of certain types of crime are committed by young Afro-Caribbean males is, basically, wrong. Even if you cheat and just focus on London, the overall number of crimes committed by whites is 53.1%.  In fact, the only category of crime in which black people commit the most crimes is in robbery, for which they account for 58% in London. This, Rod, is not an overwhelming majority by any stretch of the imagination. Are you now going to qualify your claim further by limiting yourself to specific districts of London? By the way, as a curious aside, whites commit 63% of the burglaries..  Did you know that, Rod?

In order to support your implication that there’s something inherently criminal about black people and that this proves Multi-culturalism is a terrible idea, you picked London and you picked specific categories of crimes to support your ‘overwhelming majority’ claim. You gave yourself every chance..  and yet you’re still wrong. Read it and weep.

What makes the mind boggle though is that you might actually believe that this counts as a valid argument against multi-culturalism. Surely not… surely? You’re not that stupid are you?

Yes. Yes, I think you are.

Major H/T to Alex Massie of the Speccie.

Angela Epstein. You’ve never heard of her, but she’s made history as Britain’s first owner of a ID card.

But wait! There’s more!

She’s a journalist, you see. She got to the front of this “queue” after being personally invited to do so by the Government, and in return for this good fortune all she had to do was write a puff piece about it in the Manchester Evening News about how thrilled, proud and happy the whole experience made her.

Forget all this nonsense about politics, civil liberties and all that. No, ID cards, it turns out, induce almost orgasmic levels of pleasure:

I’M so proud I could almost burst I haven’t felt this good about cradling something small and pink since my daughter Sophie was born.

*Squeeee!!* WHERE DO I SIGN?! Oh, and could I possibly leave out..

I won’t rehash all the arguments in favour of ID cards – that they are a small, convenient and portable way to prove identity [Ed. That counts as rehashing]. Nor will I try and convince opponents that they are not an infringement of English civil liberties. Everyone is entitled to their view.

Hear that? We’re entitled to our view. Lovely. Thank you.

After this I was taken to a curtained booth to have biometric particulars taken down: not as saucy as it sounds but simply my photo, prints and electronically recorded signature.

Saucy! Yes, having your biometric particulars measured is like being pampered in a salon, or luxuriating in a hot bath whilst eating Flakes. Get away from the day to day stresses of the world and have those lovely people at the Identity office look after you.

As I’ve said before I understand why people have their reservations, but I personally can’t see what there is to lose if you’re a law abiding citizen with nothing to hide. And if it’s another weapon in the fight against identity fraud, illegal workers and terrorism, then that can only be for the good.

Well, Ms Epstein, you stand to lose your privacy. But hey, what’s privacy? Not as awesome as a piece of plastic with your name on it or having all your personal data on a giant computer database that far, far, far too many people have access to, and run by people with a track record for losing and leaking data. No, it’s not as awesome as those things. Privacy? Pah! Fuck it, who needs it? Perverts! Ne’re do wells! Terrorists! Immigrants! Pah!

But I genuinely felt proud and excited when I was finally handed my card. I loved seeing my name, face and the words British citizen on this tiny piece of plastic. That’s who I am, and why shouldn’t anyone know?

You loved it? You loved seeing your name and your face on a piece of card? You loved it? Really? This season’s must have accessory, ID Cards! Oo, it makes you feel all tingly! And why shouldn’t anyone know? Ah yes, we’ve established that ‘privacy’ was so last season.

And when I had a shmooze with home office minister Meg Hillier on Monday she wouldn’t say whether I’d get my 30 quid back if [the Tories scrapped the scheme]

And suddenly it all makes sense. Schmoozing with Government ministers one day, writing a ‘ID Cards are nearly as good as having babies’ piece the next.

If Angela Epstein’s name is to be remembered, it may well be as the world’s most gullible and most buyable journalist ever. Now, can I get my ID card in purple, please? I want it to match these shoes…

/ht @Benjaminglass via Twitter

Lucky me! I’ve got another piece on Comment Is Free, in the Liberty Central section. Funnily enough, this may not be the strangest thing that happens today – if the other thing happens there may be a space-time paradox catastrophe event – you’ve been warned.

The piece is about whether or not it’s right for the Government to kick entire families off the internet without going through the courts (well, duh).

So here’s the key question: do we want to live in a society where people can be cut off from the internet without a trial, without a jury and without proving they committed any offence at all?

Say no to Asbos for downloaders