Go on, ask me what I think of the new “Equalities” bill. 

The Bill also aims to tackle discrimination against the elderly and people from working class backgrounds.

Hey, Harriet. Here’s some ideas for you. Why don’t you devise a National Accent, a new version of received pronounciation based on the Yorkshire accent. Come up with a National Dialect, too, and use the school system to enforce this so that all children emerge from school speaking with the same accent and dialect. 

While you’re at it, try to limit the number of words taught to children down to what those in the bottom sets might be reasonably expected to be familiar with by the end of their ‘education.’ This will, of course, mean making it illegal to sell books to children, or to allow children to be exposed to the internet, and children’s books will need to be removed from the library. I’m sure a few children will be resourceful enough to get their hands on books, but if you ban dictionaries and make sure it’s illegal for parents to help children learn non-curriculum vocabulary then, after 16 years, all children will emerge from schooling with roughly the same accent, dialect and vocabulary.

Another advantage the middle classes have is in the ability to pay for better quality clothes for their offspring. No-one wants to go down the Chinese road of a National uniform, but I’m sure Jeff from the Clothes Show could design something really stylish that, if people are reasonable about all this, will see that it takes away a source of pressure and angst for a great many people who can’t dress well, and are unfairly judged because of this.

But, see, I’m an old fashioned totalitarian. I like to bring about equality through taking away the ability to be different, but you Harriet, you’re much more sophisticated and have these new advanced techniques that rely on manipulating people’s perceptions rather than actual reality. 

You want to make it illegal to spot the difference. You want to encourage people to train themselves to be blind to difference, to make it a crime to be able to tell that you’re looking at an old person or a young person. I can’t tell the difference. What difference? I thought I was looking at the same person!

See, how did a word like “discriminate” which literally means nothing more sinister or evil than, “to recognise the difference between; distinguish” turn into something sinister and evil?

I dislike people making invalid assumptions about individuals based on the individuals membership of a particular grouping – everyone should be judged as individuals… but they should be judged and people, employers should be allowed to judge for themselves, surely?

What differences are we allowed to notice? Or are we heading for a world where jobs are like school placements – it’s whether you’re in the catchment area, first come first served and a few lottery systems here and there?  Obviously that would be madness. Let’s make it simpler – why not have the Government record people’s skills and capabilities and anyone wanting to recruit would go to the State and be sent someone. No interview. No application, just – blam – here you go, there’s your new employee. Standard National Wage to apply, with 40% going to the Government. 

Let’s do that, eh? That’ll end discrimination once and for all, and Equality will be achieved. 

What could possibly go wrong?