After yesterday’s delightful contribution to the election from Labour (“You’re going to die of cancer if the Tories get in, but not before you watch your children starve to death”), today sees Norman Tebbit in top form to give you yet another thing to be scared of.

If Clegg gets his way, the BNP will win 60 seats in the House of Commons, and not just that – Hitler’s National Socialist party won power through Proportional Representation. Oh yes. Vote Clegg, Get Hitler.

It’s a load of bollocks, of course. The rise of National Socialism in Germany was the end result of decades of anti-individualist, anti-British Liberalism, pro-collectivist thought in Germany, not a voting system. If you’ve got your brain plugged in, try Hayek’s “The Socialist Roots of Naziism” for more information on that. It’s not voting systems that give fascists power, it’s people being… you know…. fascist.

And on the specific point that PR is how Hitler rose to power? Try this from STV Action: Did PR bring Hitler and the Nazis to power?

No. As Enid Lakeman wrote in How Democracies Vote, “Once public opinion had turned to the Nazis, an election under a majority system [e.g.First Past The Post], would have resulted in a landslide in their favour. Under proportional representation, the party never won a majority in the Reichstag in a free election.” The Nazis seized power in a Putsch. Miss Lakeman adds that Hermann Goering gave evidence in his war crimes trial that, under the British system, the Nazis would have won every seat in the 1933 election. (h/t Sara Bedford and James Graham)

If you think you can stop the British Nazis from winning by rigging the voting system, you absolutely fail at politics in every way possible, and that goes double for Old Psycho Tebbit.

It seems Nick Clegg has, at last, been a bit more specific about what he means when he says, in the event of a hung parliament, the party with the “Biggest Mandate” has the first dibs on trying to form a Government.

You’d think such questions would be straightforward, but no: Did he mean seats or votes? ‘Votes’ would suggest the Conservatives, ‘Seats’ would suggest Labour.

So finally we have the answer, and what a Lib Dem-esque answer it is, too: “Biggest mandate” means highest votes AND seats.

What this means is that if Labour comes third in the popular vote, but wins the most seats, that won’t count. This is good news, I think, and could rule out a Liberal Labour coalition unless Labour are somehow able to show even the smallest hint of returning to the ferocious and relentless election winning machine of old.

It doesn’t seem likely. There’s really not that long to go now (you’ll be relieved to hear), and Labour seems to have literally abandoned all hope. Yesterday’s frankly cringeworthy Elvis stunt (their Elvis impersonator sang, “A little less conversation, A little more action please” without any hint of irony) may prove to be surprisingly apt:

Labour, it seems, is going to die sat on a toilet with its pants round its ankles, blowing a blood vessel trying to poo out a stubborn, rock like turd that’s been lodged up their colon for the last few years: Gordon Brown.

Who won the debate? Simple, find out here! I’ve devised a very clever system to guarantee the correct answer for everyone.

Labour supporter? Click here.

Tory supporter? Click here.

Lib Dem supporter? Click here.

BNP supporter? Sorry, no buttons for Nazis, I’m afraid.

Right, that’s that sorted.

So the Tory Press has gone mental trying to break Nick Clegg today, and you can hardly blame them. What’s happening is a threat to the way those papers want things to work out – what’s at stake for them is access to the Government for scoops and exclusives and not having to change their editorial policy to pander to a new pro-Lib Dem readership. That’s the last thing they want. Alix Mortimer has a pretty good piece on this on what she believes to be the motives behind all this.

Truth is this barrage was always going to happen, and it happens to be happening today, as it happens. The journalists working on the Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph are working around the clock to find something – anything – that’ll damage Clegg permanently… or, you know, just for a couple of weeks. That’s all that’s needed. That’s what a Free Press does. They’re supposed to do this, for better or worse. The only Nick Clegg that’s any use to anyone is one that can survive smears, innuendo and outright assaults from the British Press. If he can’t then any Government of his wouldn’t last 5 minutes and we all know it.

But while all this is going on, Labour’s campaign is, just for tonight Matthew, playing the role of the traditional Lib Dem campaign… you know, that ‘other’ party that’s also campaigning that no-one really cares about. The Mail and the Telegraph can’t even be arsed trying to smear Brown as he’s no longer any sort of threat to them. The ‘narrative’ of this election, that it’s a fight to the death between the Liberals and the Tories, has already claimed its first casualty in the cross-fire: The battle for Labour has become trying to get any kind of attention at all.

Even the Tories seem to be struggling to stamp their message on the day’s agenda. They surely can’t regard a Clegg story dominating the BBC News website as any kind of ‘success’ or helpful, surely?

Inspired by today’s newspapers, here’s the Top 10 Evil Things Nick Clegg Has Done.

#10 – Drowned Laser Kittens in a Satchel

In 2008 I met Nick Clegg, armed only with a dictaphone and a satchel containing 3 of my favourite Laser Kitties for him to autograph. Only he didn’t autograph them, no. After exclaiming, “What the shitting fuck are those?!” he grabbed the satchel and disappeared out of the room. We all chased him screaming, “Nick! Nick! What are you doing?!” but it was hopeless. He ran into the Gents and drowned each Laser Kitty in the toilets screaming, “Accursed creatures! Back to the depths with ye!”

#9 – Inspired Osama Bin Laden to bring down Twin Towers

Little known fact is that back in 2001, Nick Clegg (during his ‘muslim phase’) met with Osama Bin Laden and said, “You know, you could do a lot of damage with a commercial jet.”

#8 – Beat up John Sergeant

Just before John Sergeant quit Strictly Come Dancing he was paid a visit by Nick Clegg with a message from Vince Cable. “If you’re still on the show this time tomorrow, we’re going to break your fucking legs” Nick then crushed some chilli peppers in his fingers and proceeded to spend the next five minutes chasing a sobbing John round the room shouting, “I’m going to do your eyes! I’m going to do your eyes!”

#7 Swapped the sugar for salt

He apparently does this everywhere he goes, but the worst came when me met Gary Lineker. “Fancy a cuppa, Gary?” he asked. Gary, being a nice old sausage, said yes. Meanwhile he got Lembit Opik to fill a Lucozade bottle with urine, which was strategically left on the coffee table. Clegg soon returned with the saltiest cup of tea he’d ever made. Rumour has it that as the gasping, agonised Gary was handed the bottle of Lucozade, Nick said, “Quick! Drink this!” as cool as you like. No emotion at all.

#6 Got pissed with Diana’s Chauffeur

As reported by the Daily Express, Nick Clegg was in Foreignland (ostensibly to negotiate the surrender of Britain to the leader of Foreignland) the night of Diana’s death, and bumped in Diana’s Chauffeur in the hotel bar. “Come on,” he said, “Never seen a driver that couldn’t handle a pint of Vodka before a journey. What are you? Chicken?”

#5 Split up the Spice Girls

Twas the easiest thing in the world for the man who’d become Geri Halliwell’s favourite lover: “Oh,” said Nick, “Turns out Posh Spice is a much better shag than you.” Geri, stunned, screamed, “You what?” Nick replied, “Not my fault, Darling. The dozy tart threw herself at me. Said that she felt sorry for me, having to do the zig a zig ahhh with an elephant like you.”

Geri left the Spice Girls soon after, after being told by Nick that she’d ‘definitely’ have a successful solo career with him looking out for her.

#4 Sold his Grandmother to become Leader of the Lib Dems

“You know what I want” Lord Rennard was supposed to have said to Nick Clegg. “But…. I love my Grandma, Chris. What will you do to her?” “Best you don’t worry about that, Nick” It triggered a chain of events that brought down Ming Campbell and saw Nick win the leadership despite getting absolutely no votes from members.

Sources tell me that Granny Clegg is serving FTSE 100 executives as a ‘Nanny’ to ‘Big Babies’ and if you don’t know what that means then, really, consider yourself lucky.

#3 Got Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse Cancelled.

Nick apparently loathes Joss Whedon, but he hates the fans even more. It’s not enough to simply stop them being made – rather, he waits until the fans absolutely love the show then kidnaps executives from the studios and tortures them until they relent. To get Dollhouse cancelled, he simply kidnapped the CEO of Fox Television, stripped him naked and with a permanent marker wrote, “Spider Food” on his vulnerable belly. He pulled out a Tarantula from a Tupperware box and whispered, calm as you like, “Spiders can read”. The executive’s screams could be heard for miles.

#2 Downloaded a movie from the internet

Weekend and Bernie’s, it was. Was some debate here at Gore Towers about whether simply watching that movie constitutes No 2, but we decided that because the crime of downloading movies is the worst possible thing someone can do, this deserved pride of place.

#1 Invented the Crazy Frog

Yes, it’s true. “The Crazy Frog” and the associated ringtone was the work of one Mr N. Clegg of Sheffield Hallam using his porn alias, “Erik Wernquist”. When Nick is in Foreignland speaking Foreign, he often uses this alias because he’s ashamed of his British sounding name.

UPDATE: Turns out Twitter beat me to this.. there’s a hashtag, #nickcleggsfault. If you liked this, you’ll love that.