Well, blogging’s dead. Didn’t you know? The real action is taking place on Twitter. So you’ve signed up to Twitter and you want to make the biggest impression possible. What do you do?

That’s right, it’s time for another slightly evil guide to Tweeting.

#10: Get involved with every trending topic.

Some subjects ‘trend’ – that means lots of people are talking about one particular subject. It’s important that you get involved with them all as enthusiastically as possible, because there’s nothing people love more than seeing 100 tweets about something they don’t understand. It makes their day interesting!

“Fingle fingle whopper is AWESOME TREND! loloolol #finglewhopper”

#9: Tweet Everything

We’ve all heard the joke that people join Twitter so that they’ve got an audience for when they fit a ceramic bus with some new brown cables. It’s not a joke. This is what people want. Every single thought that passes through your head must be tweeted, and every single thing you do must go on the record.

Your admiring followers will worship you for it.

“I really should get round to counting the number of paces between my desk and the coffee machine.”

#8: Tweet Constantly

Don’t be fooled – blogging is for the lazy. You can write a blog post like this and set the timer to publish it at a specific time, say, 3pm, and then forget about it. Twitter, on the other hand, requires constant nurturing and feeding. If you’re already ‘tweeting everything’ then this shouldn’t be a problem, but sometimes there’s gaps – so tweet about tweeting if you have to.

“RT: Damn! Forgot to indicate on that bend! lollololl!!”

#7: Reply and Retweet everything.

Another strategy for generating sufficient content for your Twitter feed is to reply to absolutely everyone who tweets at you – but be sure to add a full stop before the ‘@sucker’ bit so that everyone who follows you can see what you’re saying. Be sure to retweet everything anyone says to you, too. Wouldn’t want anyone to miss out a single moment of your life, would you? It sometimes helps if you have a Bot to do this for you. I’m happy to program one for you, for a measly £10k, but think – what’s money compared with being the most awesome Twitterer in the world?

“RT @angry_man: OH FFS YOU MORON STFU!!! <— LULZZZ!! DDD”

#6: Always get the last word

If you’re replying to everything you’ve already got this covered, but it’s an important enough principle that it needs restating – whatever happens, make sure you get the last word. Superficially easy, simply reply to everything, including the replies. This makes you The Boss Of Twitter if you do it consistently.

“. @angelboobs14532 Really? Britney Spears porn? Yay! Thank you!”

#5: Change your Avatar and Name every few hours

Keep things fresh and funky! By changing your Avatar and name every few hours, your followers (you do still have some followers, right?) will think, Hey! Who’s that interesting person? And they’ll be forced to check it out and realise it’s their old friend, YOU! Their hearts will be filled with a warm glow, because, for a minute there, they thought they’d lost you.

“I have a new name ROFL! I am now @MAXIMOR_INDESTRUCTABLE lololol!!”

#4: Tweet the results of Quizzes religiously

The Twitterverse offers lots of quizzes that you can take so long as you give them permission to send Tweets from your account. This gives you an invaluable opportunity to give your followers this crucial and informative knowledge – how Gay are you? How clever are you? What Scooby Doo character are you? People need to know this information, and they need to know where they can find out these important facts about themselves.

This is your public service. Your duty. Your destiny.

“lol I am 34% Furry! (Take the How Furry are you test at http://los.er/101)”

#3: Be Clear: You’re Awesome.

Your followers aren’t interested in the adventures of a normal person. You must become a God, walking amongst their people – benign and magnificent. You are the perfect weight, height, tremendously good looking, people fall at your feet to admire you. When you’re telling your followers you’re doing a number two, this is what you should write:

“lol! Another gold plated poo! And HUGE too! Biggest ever!”

#2: Rick-roll your followers several times a day.

Nothing your followers love more than finding themselves redirected to a Youtube video of Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give you Up”.

“Research shows that you can drink yourself sober after all: http://bit.ly/rickr (NOT Rick-roll this time!)”

“Sorry, here’s the real link. http://bit.ly/rickr. Real thing this time, definitely not Rick-roll.”

“Ha ha! Got you again! Okay, well, here’s the real link, fo real: http://bit.ly/rickr.”

#1: Follow Everyone who Follows Iain Dale.

So you now have all the knowledge you need to create a truly winning and successful Twitter feed. But where do you get your audience from? Where do you get your followers? It’s simple! Follow everyone who follows Iain Dale. Most will automatically follow you back, and these are all profoundly important and influential people who’ll spread the word about this hottest new talent! Don’t forget to Retweet what they say about you!

“Anyone else been added by @MAXIMOR_INDESTRUCTABLE? Stupid Spammer alert! <– LOLOLOL!!!!”

Yes, Twitter. It’s amazing. Now, who wants to follow me?