The thing about musical instruments, in general, is that they’re bloody expensive. Sure, there are cheap guitars, cheaper ukuleles and even cheaperer tin whistles. The problem these instruments have is that most people are unable to pick them up and start playing them. They require practice and the acquisition of the knowledge on how to play them, either from teachers or the cheapskate way of using whatever free shit you can find on the internet.
For the absolutely broke, there’s the cheapest instrument of them all – and, in fact, the most complicated, most versatile and most powerful – the human voice. Sadly this era of professionalised music and the selection of several thousand of the absolute best singers from a human population of over 6 billion has given most people an inferiority complex, that ‘singing’ is only for those with professionally trained voices. Plus, of course, we don’t value what we haven’t paid for. Our voices came free… what use are they to anyone?
As a compromise, for the princely sum of £1.50, you can buy a kazoo. Anyone can play the kazoo, but it works, again, through singing. You do most of the work, the kazoo just makes it sound awesome.
Enter then, stage left, the Vuvuzela. A cheap moulded piece of plastic that, when blown into, emits possibly the lowest quality, least pure, least… well.. anything.. B flat note ever heard by humanity. What it lacks in quality, it makes up for in sheer unadulterated volume. Blow one straight into someone’s ear and you’ve damaged their hearing forever, unless they’re already in a Metal band and therefore have no hearing to speak of anyway.
It’s got another advantage, too. Everyone - and I mean everyone – is born knowing how to play the Vuvuzela and, even better, you already know every single song you can play on it – after all, there’s only one.
The song is called, “Look at me, I’m an annoying tit”. It’s an uplifting anthem in celebration of finally reaching the lowest – and I really really mean the lowest – common denominator imaginable. In a world of Vuvuzelas, the maestro and the pleb exist side by side, equal at last. It creates a world where everyone can have a go, no training, talent or money required – the damn things are the cheapest possible instrument conceivable. They are to music what Ikea Lack tables are to furniture – the basic essence of the thing reduced to the absolute, absolute minimum. Even a choice of note is considered a decadent, materialist and socially divisive western luxury.
Normal music is played by some sort of musician and listened to by others. In the crowds of football stadiums, how do you ensure the entire crowd can sing the same song? Simple! You all sing the, “Look at me, I’m an annoying tit” song.
All individuality removed, all identity removed, human beings reduced to identical noises in a swarm. The dream of equality realised at last.
It is, quite possibly, the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.
