For those that missed it, the final debate will no doubt go down in history as one of the most remarkable live television broadcasts ever witnessed.
Sure, we expected a repeat of the format that’s already looking pretty tired after just two episodes of “I’m a party leader, get me out of here!” but that changed the second Wolf from Gladiator, clad in spandex, announced that Clegg, Brown and Cameron were to be put through their paces on the Eliminator at the end of the show.
I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw Clegg emerge from behind a curtain wearing a Mexican wrestler’s outfit. “I’m Mister Different” he roared, before flexing his muscles for the camera. Brown, bizarrely, chose to dress himself as a Union Flag with “I LOVE GILLIAN DUFFY” written on it. Wonder what that’s all about? “I AM THE POWER OF BRITAIN!” Brown said, blushing wildly.
Then, no word of a lie, Cameron emerges wearing a jewel encrusted thong and a bow-tie and a microphone pack… and nothing else. The crowd gasps, is silent for a few moments before launching into a rapturous applause. “I’ve changed” he shouts. “Should I change back? No! I AM THE CHANGE YOU NEED!”
Several elderly ladies on the front row pass out in shock. Cameron’s humping the air, with his hand curled into the Sign Of The Devil pose when Clegg clobbers him on the back of his head with a chair. With Cameron floored, Clegg turns to Brown who promptly cowers in a little flag-esque ball. Clegg is relentless, but Brown’s only playing possum – he leaps (pretty impressively for his age) and attempts to get Clegg in a headlock. Meanwhile Cameron has composed himself and maneuvered himself into a kneeling position behind Brown. “Do it!” he cries, and Clegg wastes no time – he shifts his body weight and Brown topples over Cameron like the great big lummox he is.
David Dimbleby announces that Clegg and Cameron, with their tag team attack, have earned themselves a five second head start on the eliminator.
At this point everything goes completely mental: Nick Griffin, dressed in a bear costume, leaps out from the audience and starts growling and snarling at the 3 leaders. What followed next defies what I know about reality, but the three men seemed to look at each other, some unheard, unspoken exchange… then they clasp their hands together and transform into a giant robot. Well, fuck me sideways I’m thinking…. I didn’t know they could do that! Pity giant robots can’t fix the economy because that’s impressive.
Griffin was dispatched in seconds, but at a heavy price – the audience is covered in Griffin chunks as the Giant Robot’s foot slammed straight down upon him. Fascism in Britain defeated, the robot returns to it’s constituent parts – Clegg, Cameron and Brown… except somehow Brown now has the word, “knobhead” written on his forehead. The audience, or at least the parts that weren’t traumatised from the Gibbing Of Griffin, burst out laughing. Cameron shrugs his shoulders, innocently.
I don’t remember the rest, to be honest, I’d done rather a lot of LSD and it stopped making sense at this point, but I think Cameron was the first to complete the Eliminator, followed closely by Clegg… not quite sure if Brown actually finished it or if he’s still trying to get up the travelator now.
