Inspired by today’s newspapers, here’s the Top 10 Evil Things Nick Clegg Has Done.
#10 – Drowned Laser Kittens in a Satchel
In 2008 I met Nick Clegg, armed only with a dictaphone and a satchel containing 3 of my favourite Laser Kitties for him to autograph. Only he didn’t autograph them, no. After exclaiming, “What the shitting fuck are those?!” he grabbed the satchel and disappeared out of the room. We all chased him screaming, “Nick! Nick! What are you doing?!” but it was hopeless. He ran into the Gents and drowned each Laser Kitty in the toilets screaming, “Accursed creatures! Back to the depths with ye!”
#9 – Inspired Osama Bin Laden to bring down Twin Towers
Little known fact is that back in 2001, Nick Clegg (during his ‘muslim phase’) met with Osama Bin Laden and said, “You know, you could do a lot of damage with a commercial jet.”
#8 – Beat up John Sergeant
Just before John Sergeant quit Strictly Come Dancing he was paid a visit by Nick Clegg with a message from Vince Cable. “If you’re still on the show this time tomorrow, we’re going to break your fucking legs” Nick then crushed some chilli peppers in his fingers and proceeded to spend the next five minutes chasing a sobbing John round the room shouting, “I’m going to do your eyes! I’m going to do your eyes!”
#7 Swapped the sugar for salt
He apparently does this everywhere he goes, but the worst came when me met Gary Lineker. “Fancy a cuppa, Gary?” he asked. Gary, being a nice old sausage, said yes. Meanwhile he got Lembit Opik to fill a Lucozade bottle with urine, which was strategically left on the coffee table. Clegg soon returned with the saltiest cup of tea he’d ever made. Rumour has it that as the gasping, agonised Gary was handed the bottle of Lucozade, Nick said, “Quick! Drink this!” as cool as you like. No emotion at all.
#6 Got pissed with Diana’s Chauffeur
As reported by the Daily Express, Nick Clegg was in Foreignland (ostensibly to negotiate the surrender of Britain to the leader of Foreignland) the night of Diana’s death, and bumped in Diana’s Chauffeur in the hotel bar. “Come on,” he said, “Never seen a driver that couldn’t handle a pint of Vodka before a journey. What are you? Chicken?”
#5 Split up the Spice Girls
Twas the easiest thing in the world for the man who’d become Geri Halliwell’s favourite lover: “Oh,” said Nick, “Turns out Posh Spice is a much better shag than you.” Geri, stunned, screamed, “You what?” Nick replied, “Not my fault, Darling. The dozy tart threw herself at me. Said that she felt sorry for me, having to do the zig a zig ahhh with an elephant like you.”
Geri left the Spice Girls soon after, after being told by Nick that she’d ‘definitely’ have a successful solo career with him looking out for her.
#4 Sold his Grandmother to become Leader of the Lib Dems
“You know what I want” Lord Rennard was supposed to have said to Nick Clegg. “But…. I love my Grandma, Chris. What will you do to her?” “Best you don’t worry about that, Nick” It triggered a chain of events that brought down Ming Campbell and saw Nick win the leadership despite getting absolutely no votes from members.
Sources tell me that Granny Clegg is serving FTSE 100 executives as a ‘Nanny’ to ‘Big Babies’ and if you don’t know what that means then, really, consider yourself lucky.
#3 Got Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse Cancelled.
Nick apparently loathes Joss Whedon, but he hates the fans even more. It’s not enough to simply stop them being made – rather, he waits until the fans absolutely love the show then kidnaps executives from the studios and tortures them until they relent. To get Dollhouse cancelled, he simply kidnapped the CEO of Fox Television, stripped him naked and with a permanent marker wrote, “Spider Food” on his vulnerable belly. He pulled out a Tarantula from a Tupperware box and whispered, calm as you like, “Spiders can read”. The executive’s screams could be heard for miles.
#2 Downloaded a movie from the internet
Weekend and Bernie’s, it was. Was some debate here at Gore Towers about whether simply watching that movie constitutes No 2, but we decided that because the crime of downloading movies is the worst possible thing someone can do, this deserved pride of place.
#1 Invented the Crazy Frog
Yes, it’s true. “The Crazy Frog” and the associated ringtone was the work of one Mr N. Clegg of Sheffield Hallam using his porn alias, “Erik Wernquist”. When Nick is in Foreignland speaking Foreign, he often uses this alias because he’s ashamed of his British sounding name.
UPDATE: Turns out Twitter beat me to this.. there’s a hashtag, #nickcleggsfault. If you liked this, you’ll love that.
